December Fatty Rewind

It’s that time of the month again, another glorious edition of Instgram user @arseinclarse’s Fatty Rewind! This month, Arse showcased a #brewbusjam Bronx Bar, Restaurant Depot, Trolley Stop, Ms. Mae’s, Turkey and the Wolfe, Domenica @ The Roosevelt, Tchoup Yard, Karibu Kitchen, Red Dog, Hit Hat, and much more.  Enjoy!

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Twas the week before, and my body is already Mardi Gras ready.

Anyone who’s a friend knows that I’ve lost some weight recently, after receiving kind words from my doctor. The Holidays are a struggle with all the food and booze flowing around. But it’s Jesus’ birthday, and we all need to party.

On Friday, I poured a few drinks for the road before heading down to beautiful Venetian Isles. We had to attend a several decades old family tradition of “Santa by Boat.” Sleighs are not too effective on the bayou.

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Upon arrival, my niece gave me a home made rice krispy treat which she personally decorated with several layers of icing and a few pounds of sugar. It wasn’t that bad.

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There was plenty of food to be enjoyed during St. Nick’s slow boat ride through the canals. I enjoyed at least three bowls of gumbo, smokies, meatballs, stuffed artichokes, and some spinach dip. The gumbo was good, but could have used a little more roux. Everything else was succulent.

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While we waited for that fat bastard to arrive, my brother and I put a hurting on the handle of Beam. It was going down like water. The shrills coming from the mouths of all the kids made the consumption easier.

Finally the fat ass showed up. The kids rejoiced. Some screamed. When I sat on Santa’s lap, he told me to get off and make him a drink. I obliged since I want to be on the Nice List.

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After party, I was ready to get stupid. The Beam was working and it was only 1030. Unfortunately, my ride home was forty minutes. I don’t see how people live out there.

When I got to the house, I grabbed the dog and walked over to the Bronx Bar. I grabbed a pint and a slice and threw on some R. Kelly.

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Somehow, the dog and I made it back home unscathed. I think we passed out on the couch.

Around 6, I awoke to take on the day. I had to meet some USM buddies down in the Quarter for pre-game drinks. I also had errands to run, but there was one problem. I was still drunk.

I threw on some clothes and headed to Restaurant Depot. I had to get a prime rib to cook for Christmas. There’s something fun about rummaging through slabs of meat while drunk. I picked up this 12 lb beauty.

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After a few errands, I decided to get right. I ran to the Trolley Stop and ordered a bloody with a chili cheese omelette. By god what that omelette delicious. Old gal in the back must have put two cans of Hormel on the inside for me. The onions, cheese and hot sauce put it over the top. I was impressed how such low quality food can taste so delicious.

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After breakfast, I headed back home to shower. I was quite funky. After a quick rinse, I put some shorts on and walked to Ms. Mae’s. It was hot as hell and I had planned on walking down Magazine to do some Christmas shopping. In order to be an effective shopper, you must remain intoxicated. I like getting home and not knowing what I purchased or spent.

To keep the tradition going, I got a double Beam. It was just what I needed to get the shit storm of day started.

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After a few blocks, I decided to start Ubering. The heat was unbearable. After a few stops, I decided to grab some food. I stopped at Turkey & The Wolf to pick up a fried bologna sandwich. While I waited, I sipped on some Buffalo Trace. I had them make the sandwich “to-go” because my friends were already at Lafitte’s.

At first appearance of this sandwich, I was scared. It was massive. I took a few chips off because I think it had too many. I then went to town on that bad boy. The bologna and mustard were insanely good. I’m not sure what they lather their toast in, but it was delicious. I think some of whatever it was made it all the way up to my elbows. I licked it off, and I got an odd stare from some gal next to me. I assume she was a tourist.

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It was then time to pound. I’m not sure, but I likely had six pours of Beam in the souvenir cups. I felt invincible. Then my friend brought me some pralines. They were good too.

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Around 3, I received a call from the little lady. She wanted to party. I headed back home to throw on some jeans and scoop her up. She wanted to go to the Roosevelt to look at the Christmas decorations. If you’ve seen them once, you’ve seen them forever. I’m not a fan of the new decorations. I wish they would bring back the tacky cotton that looked like snow.

I grabbed an old fashioned and walk the halls. It was boring and crowded. I was not having fun. I suggested we grab a bite at Domenica to ease the suffering. I ordered a cheese board. I always have to get the mousse. They could just serve it to me with a straw, and I would be happy. I don’t think the lady appreciates the way I just empty the whole jar onto my plate. It makes scooping it up much easier. Trust me.

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We then headed home to pound some drinks. Our friends called us from the Tchoup Yard to let us know they’re were partying. It was not that packed there so I decided to get fucked up. It was Beam after Beam, mixed in with several shots. Jesus would not want us to party any other way.

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To help with the consumption, I decided to grab some food. The boys from Karibu Kitchen were out there slinging their version of Taco Bell’s crunch wrap supremes. I went with the steak. It was just what I needed. It was tasty, hot and fatty.

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By 11, I was drunk. It had been a long day of drinking. When we were walking out, the lady received a call from another friend that they were partying in Mid City. I couldn’t punk out. I gathered my pride and ordered my 8th Uber of the day. When I walked into the party, I went directly to the kitchen. I grabbed a beer and found some chocolate covered pretzels to hang out with. They helped me get through the night.

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I don’t recall what time we got home. I just knew I’d likely would be missing mass the next morning. Jesus wouldn’t be happy.

On Sunday, I awoke feeling a little rough. I showered and got dressed for mass. I couldn’t make it out of the door though. The Beam was starting to fight back. I wouldn’t give in.

The lady suggested we go get breakfast. We ran to the Red Dog Diner. I grabbed a bloody and some poached eggs with crab. The bloody was delicious and reminded me of gazpacho. The eggs were runny and good. I’d eat them again. I really enjoy this place.

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After breakfast, I went home and passed out for an hour. I had a party to attend in Maurepas at 2. When I awoke, I was feeling much better. I took another shower and headed out the door. The devil woke up in my gut and started to play games with me. By the time I had hit the Spillway, I had to make two emergency stops. I couldn’t go to the party. (Sorry Lucky and Andrew)

I headed back home. The lady said she was hungry so I had to stop somewhere. We went to Hi Hat. I got some fried brocoli, gumbo and an old fashioned to fight back. It was all good, but the pain was still present.

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After lunch, I ran to Company Burger to get some gift cards for Christmas. I also grabbed an eggnog milkshake to ease my pain. I think it helped a little.

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I then returned home and passed out. I needed some rest.

Around 8, I awoke stilling feeling like shit. I walked outside and it was nasty as hell. I don’t handle the rain and cold to well, and I didn’t want to drive anywhere. For missing mass and my friends’ party, I gave myself a penance of 10 Hail Marys and forced myself to walk through the shitty weather to get something to eat. I think it was a good punishment. The walk was terrible and the food was worse. Rouses’ sushi needs to step its game up, and their hot food line looked like it hadn’t been changed in over four hours.

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I hope everyone has a safe and merry Christmas.

Stay fat, my friends.