February Fatty Rewind: Mardi Gras Weekend One

Mardi Gras 2017 Week 1 is in the books and local New Orleanians Instagram user @arseinclarse killed it again. Check out arse’s first of two(!) Mardi Gras Fatty Rewinds:

I consumed enough Beam to kill a horse.

Fuck the Mondays. Especially the ones when federal employees get off, and I have to drag my ass into work with bubble guts for days. I will never give up.

The first weekend of Mardi Gras 2017 is in the books, along with the NBA All Star Game. We live in the best city in the world. It’s not even an open competition. The only thing that would have made this weekend slightly better is if someone put a foot up the ass of the Krewe of Alla to get their shit started on time.

On Friday, we had a get together of former residents of Algiers. For years, the first Friday of Marid Gras was theirs. They had Cleopatra. It was their only night of the year to shine. When Uptown took it away several years ago, a part of every resident died.

To show my appreciation, I invited them over to my house to enjoy their former spectacle. We had 100’s of tenders from Balestra’s (Belle Chasse), jambalaya, meat pies, baked macaroni, finger sandwiches, and booze for days.

After the party was set up, I grabbed a handle and got to work. I decided to pound as much as I could since the rain was moving in. No one likes to be sober on a wet parade route.


After three triples, I decided to make my way around the food. I grabbed several plates and sat on my porch to watch the horses get staged. I went to town on the meat pies and macaroni.


The rain moved in and people were leaving the parade route. My niece asked if she could go to the parade, and I couldn’t say “no.” I threw on my finest rain coat, grabbed a fifth of Beam and a wagon and walked the two blocks to Magazine.

We were having fun. The riders were killing us with throws, and the rain died down a little. After a few minutes, most of our party decided to come down. The Beam was flowing all too well.


When the parade ended and most people left the house, I decided to make a dent in the food. There was a ton left. I just started combining meat pies with finger sandwiches. They were outstanding. I’ll admit that I prefer Doritos instead of meat pies in my sandwich.


I think I passed out around 1 with my clothes on. When I awoke the next morning at 7, I didn’t have to shower! I just brushed my teeth and strolled out the door for some coffee. I also grabbed a bloody. It was a beautiful morning.


We had reservations at Commander’s for brunch before the day parades. I showered and headed over. To get somewhat right, I chugged a Beam in the Uber.

Upon arrival, we were seated in the garden room and the old fashioneds were being thrown my way.


I was also taking some shots of my buddy’s vodka which was iced down quite well. We weren’t playing around. I decided early on this would be a drinking day.


For my meal I’d go with the seafood gumbo and croquettes with pork and poached eggs. They were both great. The roux was dark and tasty, and the gumbo came with shrimp, redfish, and oyster. The croquettes were a bit heavy, but damn strong.


For dessert, I went with the pecan pie and souffle. They were both good. My only complaint about brunch was that the jazz band didn’t know any R. Kelly. However, I was assured by the trumpet player, he’d try to learn some.


After brunch, we’d drink. I stepped outside, grabbed my flask of Zacapa rum and took a few pulls. The weather was amazing.


We then bar hopped around St. Charles towards Napoleon. Superior was packed, and I wanted a strong margarita. While the ladies waited for the bathroom, I enjoyed some of Choctaw from the back row.


During our walk, we saw some pretty impressive signs. “Your” not going to be disappointed by this one.


Our next stop was Fat’s. The bar was empty since the parade was passing. I took the opportunity to fire up the juke box, throw on some jams and pound some Beam.


We’d stay there until the night parades. We then walked home to uses the restrooms and refill drinks. While the girls chatted it up, I’d keep eating the tenders and jambalaya that seemed to be never ending.


I then went outside to watch some floats assemble before some parade. I met a few guys. We traded beers for shots. I’m not bunch of a beer guy, so it was a win for me.


We then walked to Magazine and Napoleon to catch the second night parade. The boys at Mae’s were keeping my cup filled, and the marching bands kept my feet moving.


These girl’s boots were obviously not made for dancing/walking.


By the end of the parade, I was lit. We had to keep drinking. We walked to 45 Tchoup. The Beam was flowing, and I was keeping it easy on them. I would just have them keep refilling my solo cup. Who needs water, when you have Beam?


Who knows what happened after Mae’s? I awoke in my bed, so I was happy.

Around 7, I walked to my buddy’s place to help him carry shit to the route. He was having a lot of people over, and I was heading to Barkus. For my help, he gave me this nice biscuit. It was yummy.


We then walked to the route to relax. I found an odd beer in his cooler, so I took it. It wasn’t that bad. It was more chocolate tasting than coconut.


Around 10, the little lady told me she was ready to head to the Quarter. I grabbed the dog and headed down to Lafitte’s. We were greeted with donuts and Beam. Unfortunately, I had to clean my leg and shoes off. I was covered in horse shit and didn’t realize it. The blueberry holes would have to wait.


After several rounds of Beam, I walked around to see the dogs. I stuck my head into Central Grocery and didn’t see a line. It was a Mardi Gras miracle. I got a whole with a bag of chips. It was a perfect snack.


The best two dogs of the day were mine and this spaniel. The spaniel reminded me of when I’m drunk. I like to lay on cool floors like that. I’ll only do that at Lafitte’s during Decadence though.



The lady then decided to head back Uptown to catch the remaining day parades. We got home, and I found some artichoke dip that someone had left at our house. I went to town on it and polished of its contents. A move I would later regret. I even took down some tenders.


We then walked to our friends’ house. They were having some shrimp creole before the parades. I went to town on that. It was delicious.


After a few bowls, we walked to the route. I had a fifth with me and the sun was shining. There was no need to head back home.


When Alla finally decided to parade, I walked home. I had had enough. I knew I would have to reserve some energy for Week 2. I just plopped on my couch and ate jambalaya and macaroni until I passed out.


Stay fat, my friends.