NOLA Brew Bus strives to develop shenanigans that highlight the world class city that we are. We are proud to have partnered with New Orleans born and raised local Instagram user, @arseinclarse, highlighting one man’s ability of eating and drinking like none other. Arseinclarse’s monthly story, Fatty Rewind, showcases south Louisiana as only a local would know how to enjoy it. After reading, you may be left scratching your head in amazement. #nolashenanigans
Without further ado, see this month’s edition of the Fatty Rewind:
The first wedding shower kicked my ass.
I had a busy weekend planned. I had a retirement party to attend Friday, and I had my first wedding party on Saturday. The big day is in June, so there are many more to come. With the parties, Mardi Gras, Hogs, Easter and fest season, my body will be in peak shape. I asked the tailor to put some elastic in my pants of my suit.
On Friday, I managed to get home without a delay unlike most travelers in town. I got home, poured me some Beam and watched the bridge situation unfold. Our baws in blue need to come up with a contingency plan when this shit happens. No one is worth the amount of inconvenience that piece of shit brought upon the metro area.
After a few drinks and that bitch shot himself, I headed to Ye Olde College Inn for dinner. The retirement party was being held at Rock-n-Bowl. On my way, I passed El Pavo Real and changed my mind. I’m glad that I did. I’ve been wanting to try this place for some time.
The place was pretty packed. We sat at the bar, and ordered some Negro Modelos and some chips with salsa. Our server was quite nice. She had the mouth of a dirty Chalmation.
For my entree, I went with the mole. It was delicious. The chicken was cooked perfectly, and the mole had the perfect seasoning. I didn’t bother filling myself with the tortillas. I wanted to eat more at the party.
On the ride to the bowling alley, I killed the carnitas taco the little lady had packed to take home. I wasn’t sorry for eating it.
When I got the party, the place was packed. I met my buddy at the bar, and I began to pound the Beam. The little lass behind the bar wasn’t shy about the pours. I was feeling good.
About an hour into the party, I discovered the food table. I decided to only eat protein. I devoured the fried shrimp, fish and boudin. The food was delicious. I assume the fryer grease had been recently changed.
I Ubered home at a reasonable hour. I had to be up running errands for the party around 6.
I awoke slightly drunk the next day. I showered and headed out the door. After a couple hours, my hunger began to grow. I was in Gentilly, so I decided to swing by Toast. I ordered a bloody and an omelette with bacon, gruyere and spinach. It came with an option of fruit, but I didn’t want to waste calories on that.
The omelette was delicious. The bloody was a little salty for me, but I put it down. It made me feel a lot better. I knew I’d be able to start pounding the Beam in a few hours.
After breakfast, I continued running my errands. My favorite one was the seafood market. I grabbed a ton of lump crab meat and claws for the party. Nothing quite beats the smell of seafood in the morning.
After I dropped the seafood off, I scooped up the little lady for an early lunch. We went to Blue Oak. I love the wings, and she loves the nachos. I paired the wings with a lovely double of Beam. The wings came with sides of sprouts and greens. You know they were all good. I also got to enjoy a bunch of the nachos.
After lunch, we returned to the house to relax. I had to be on the Wank for 5:30 to get things in order for the party. I decided to relax with some Beam and solid music. I partied by myself for a few hours. I was impressed with my dance moves. I still have what the producers in the industry refer to as “it.”
When I arrived at the party, all the food had to be put in place and I had to show the bartenders around. I didn’t grab many pics of the food, since I was running around and talking to a ton of people. All of the food was delicious and pretty much went. We had filet loin, crab everything, salads, cakes, seafood pasta, chocolate strawberries, artichoke balls, mini muffs, etc. The guests seemed to enjoy all of it. I wish I had eaten more. I was working the room and kept drinking. I had put down over a fifth by the end of the party.
Around 1030, most guests had left. But then the after party started. Things started getting weird. I didn’t eat much so I scurried to grab what I could. I ate the shit out of the leftover salmon and cheese dip. It wasn’t wise, but it felt right at the time.
After the bartenders left, I didn’t feel like going upstairs to retrieve more bourbon. I opted for the Goose and drank martinis. They were pretty good, but again it wasn’t a wise decision.
As the vodka flowed and the slow jams and 90’s classics filled the room, the time passed on. I blinked and it was 4 am. 24 hours of drinking and still kicking! I was just hoping I was making sense to the people around me when words were coming from my mouth.
Before the party ended, a companion dared me to take a shot of au jus that had been sitting out for several hours. It looked nasty, but I wasn’t going to let a few ounces of beef fat drippings make me look like a bitch. Again, a wrong decision. Since this was my third strike, I decided it was time to pass out.
I got up around 9 to clean up. I made it downstairs, and I decided it would be in my best interest to go lay down on the bathroom floor. It was cold, and my body was in pain. The little lady even threw me a biscuit. That’s true love.
I eventually made it off of the floor and returned to my home around 12. I was too lazy to do anything so I ordered some pizza and cheese sticks from Magazine Pizza on Uber Eats. The pizza wasn’t that good along with the cheese sticks. But hell, it was substance. It was all I needed. The ranch dressing helped it all go down easily.
Around three, it was time to rally. I grabbed some Beam and watched some shitty football. Fuck the Packers for allowing the Falcons to appear at the Super Bowl. What a terrible Super Bowl it will be.
After the start of the second game, I ran to Dat Dog. I was craving tube meat. The lady wouldn’t let me walk to rouses for Hormel chili, so I went high quality. I grabbed a Chicago dog, a Guinness dog, and fries with bacon, ranch and cheese. I was very pleased with my decisions, unlike the night before.
After the game, I passed out and slept like a champ. I feel glorious this morning.
Stay fat, my friends.